I meant to: Confessions of a Half Brother
by Novawings
Summary: Inuyasha's birth and early years as seen through the eyes of Sesshomaru.


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* * *

I meant to..._

Confessions of a half brother

I really meant to be the young heir everyone expected me to be. I really meant to be strong and good and kind, just like my father. My problem was that it just wasn't in me. People would come near me and instead of being open and friendly I'd freeze and give them the barest of pleasantries.

There had been one thing I was certain I could do right: hate my new stepmother. Father had met Emiko and fallen in love or some such nonsense. Which wasn't such a heinous crime in itself, he could have her as his servant all he wanted and no one would have cared. But he decided to marry her, a lowly human. It wasn't hard to hate her. Father wasn't completely blind to the repercussions of his actions and kept her secluded for much of the first year she lived with us. Then, slowly, she started coming out. At first without father's permission, then slowly she carved a niche for herself. She talked to whomever she wanted, interrupted whatever meeting she wanted, and acted however she wanted. It was like she refused to be ignored, even if all she was met with was hostility.

She talked to me sometimes. I suppose she felt like it was her duty or something to try and make nice with me since she was technically my "step-mother." Sometimes I'd put up with it, letting her chatter about the family she left or the plans she and my father had made, sometimes she even talked about the latest military movements. I never really said much back to her, I meant to, but I never did.

Then she announced she was pregnant. Pregnant. As in, I would be getting a new baby brother or sister and wasn't that just _wonderful_? I corrected them as often as I could. Yes, it would be wonderful to have a _half_ sibling. My lack of genuine enthusiasm was rarely noticed. Father was ecstatic. He would catch Emiko and twirl her around every time he saw her. He would laugh out loud for no reason at all. He practically skipped around the house and argued with anyone who told him the baby could possibly be a girl. Why? Because Emiko had stated quite clearly that it was a boy. And of course Emiko was always right about everything.

I spent nine excruciating months dealing with my father's happiness and I was getting to the point where I was going to request leave to go on a training trip, but that might not have gone over so well since I had already been on five since Emiko announced she was going to have a baby.

"Sesshomaru-sama?"

"What?" I woke up without grunting, groaning, stretching or otherwise making noise. Such behavior was not becoming of someone of my status.

The servant looked startled at my abrupt waking.

"Your father requests your presence. It seems that your brother is about to be born."

I said nothing. I simply got up, dressed myself and headed followed the servant out. The chamber closest to Emiko's had long since been converted to a nursery. I paused only slightly to look inside at all of the toys. I couldn't remember having so many childish things.

Father was pacing back and forth. Nana must have kicked him out for making so much fuss. All of father's vassals were there. Some of them looked quite pleased and were trying to calm father down. They were the ones who had approved of father's marriage to Emiko. The others were clustered together, scowling. They hated Emiko and thought father a deluded fool for bringing her here.

"Oh good, you're here." Father said when he spotted me. He knocked on the door.

"Nana! Sesshomaru's here!"

The door slid open suddenly, just enough for Nana to poke out her grey haired head, annoyance shining on her face.

"That's quite wonderful dear I'm sure, but if you don't mind we're trying to birth a baby in here!"

The door slammed shut. Father winced and went back to pacing. No one else could talk to father like that besides Emiko and Nana. Nana had been father's nurse when he was young and now she was to be the nurse for the new baby. She would have been my nurse from birth as well, if my mother hadn't refused. So Nana had only been with me for a few years after my mother died...

Sounds came from within the room. A hurricane could have been going through there; it certainly sounded like one was.

"You're almost there lady, almost!"

A cry split the air. Father breathed a sigh of relief. The vassals and I winced from the high-pitched noise.

Nana opened the door. She looked as though she was on the verge of tears, but was smiling all the same. She looked at father. He brushed past her as he raced into the room. She then turned to me. Swallowing, she spoke.

"Congratulations. You have a new baby brother."

* * *

I met my half-brother shortly after that. I held the little whelp and everything. And Emiko told me his name.

"Inu-yasha. His name is Inu-yasha. And he will never be anything less than that."

While my father was gleeful, Emiko was slightly more subdued. No, more than that she was scared. Scared for the life that she had brought into the world. Wondering how this child, not youkai, not human, but somehow both would fit into this world.

Looking at the small bundle asleep in Emiko's arms, tiny puppy ears flopping over and white hair translucent and barely visible against his pink skin, I wondered too.

* * *

The first serious attempt on Inu-yasha's life came when he was three days old. Father was in another meeting; Emiko was sleeping in her bedroom; Nana was quietly checking on Emiko and I was studying. We were all enjoying the quiet, Father and Emiko most of all. You see, ever since he had been born, Inu-yasha had been proving to everyone that he had twice the usual lung capacity and knew very well how to use it. The only time he wasn't crying was when Father or Emiko held him. Thus the two of them hadn't been getting much sleep. Nana said it was something about knowing his family, but I never found our if he would have stopped crying for me. I meant to, but I never did.

That night was the first time Inu-yasha had slept fully on his own. Nana had been in the room, but she'd gone to check on Emiko as father had asked her to.

A scream had torn through the castle. A scream given by one experiencing excruciating agony. Everyone seemed to act all at once. I could hear Emiko running through the castle at a ridiculous pace considering her clothing. The footsteps betrayed that Nana was right behind her. I knew that Father would be moving as fast as he could as well, but he had taken some of the lords outside to tour the gardens. The wild gardens. The gardens that could cover the entirety of the western lands if they really wanted to. I could practically see the look of disappointment he would give me if he found that I didn't react as immediately as the rest of them. So I ran to the room of my baby half brother. Being much faster than either the human Emiko or the ancient Nana, I got there first. Which only meant that I was the first to witness one of the oddest things any of us would see in our lifetimes.

Inu-yasha was asleep, breathing deeply in and out, you would never have guessed that anything was amiss in the room by looking at him. He was completely oblivious to the youkai standing over him, holding a knife over his head, poised and ready to be brought down into Inu-yasha's heart. There were easier ways to kill someone, but I knew why they had chosen this one. I could only imagine the anguish of my father and Emiko when they found their newborn son, asleep forever with a dagger through his heart.

The youkai, however, was not moving. He seemed to want to, his eyes radiated fear, but he was frozen in place.

The reason for his terror was most likely the multi-colored bubble growing around Inu-yasha. He exhaled, and the semi-transparent golden bubble expanded. He inhaled, and the bubble shone bright silver as it contracted. I couldn't move. I was entranced like the assassin standing over my brother by this spectacle that he had created.

"Inu-yasha!" Emiko entered the room and she and Nana gasp in unison. Father entered a split second later.

"What-?" He didn't finish his question. The bubble was getting larger. In one more breath it would reach the would-be assassin of my baby brother. The four of us just stood there, morbidly fascinated at what would happen when it reached him. The youkai, on the other hand, was panicking. His eyes were open wide and he was making a high pitched whimpering noise.

Inhale, the bubble was silver, exhale, the golden bubble started to encompass the youkai. He screamed, a terrible, anguished filled sound, but Inu-yasha didn't seem to hear. He inhaled, the bubble turned silver and began contracting on the youkai, his scream got louder.

The bubble shrunk abruptly, it continued to contract and expand but now it barely held Inu-yasha. The anomaly seemingly over, Emiko started to rush forward, but father stopped her. They exchanged a look between them. Father went forward and disposed of the youkai who was now begging for his death. Inu-yasha's bubble evaporated. Emiko scooped up her son and held him close.

"What's going on?" She whispered softly.

Father swallowed, "I wish I knew."

* * *

Father, Emiko, Nana and I gathered to talk. All of the servants had been sent away with the proper excuses. And any comments about the earlier screaming had been pointedly ignored.

"No one will ever speak of this outside of us." Father began. "We don't know what this is, but we don't want someone else to figure it out before we do."

We nodded, understanding the unspoken inference. If someone else figured out how to overcome this, they would be able to kill Inu-yasha.

"But...shouldn't we try to find someone who might know? There is very little known in general about hanyous...I'm worried..." Emiko held Inu-yasha closer to her as she spoke. He was still sleeping. He must have used a lot of energy to do that... and while he was sleeping...

"I know you're concerned Emiko. But Inu-yasha is Prince. We cannot risk trying to contact people when so many want to hurt him." By the way father spoke the words I could tell that he was just as worried as Emiko. I wish I could say that I was too, but in truth I was just amazed at what Inu-yasha had done.

"The energy though. It felt like youki and..."

"And holy powers. Yes." Father answered me. "Inu-yasha seems to have a strong potential for both. Right now I think they're working together as some kind of defense mechanism. The magics together are quite unstable and to be honest, volatile. But I think it should fade as he grows up."

"But will he be safe?"

No one answered Nana's question. No one could.

* * *

The first attack came on Inu-yasha's first birthday.

Well, we called them attacks. Emiko had finally forced Inu-yasha into something nice and miracle of all miracles, he had not yet soiled, vaporized, or otherwise harmed the garment. He was rather enthralled watching the servants make his birthday dinner. Even at a year old Inu-  
yasha was already tottering around as much as he could, or if he was tired or wanted to get somewhere quickly he went on all fours. But right then he was still, watching and doing little else.

It was a rare moment of quiet for him. Later we would learn that all of Inu-yasha's attacks came during the quiet moments. Maybe that's why he didn't ever much like staying still.

Nana had told me to go check on him. I did what she asked because it was a rare occurrence for me to be asked to do anything with my little brother. Half brother. It wasn't that they didn't want me around him, because they did, it was just like they wanted me to choose to do it myself. I meant to make that choice more often, but I didn't.

Inu-yasha turned and smiled at me when I walked in. He hadn't started talking yet. Michiko was beating out the dough and then it just...happened.

Inu-yasha was sitting there, watching and then this light started coming out of him. The same gold and silver lights that had protected him from his would be assassins a year ago were now attacking him. It lasted less than thirty seconds but it seemed much longer. When it was over Inu-yasha lay down on the floor, wide eyed, with his arms wrapped around his small frame. He wasn't making a sound.

"Get my father." I ordered Michiko. Everything in the kitchen had stopped the moment the light had appeared.

"Now!" I yelled at her as I bent down over my brother. I mean, my half brother. He wasn't moving. His eyes were focused on something no one else could see. I was afraid to move him, but I couldn't let him lay there on the ground, like a broken doll someone had abandoned and forgot about. I picked him up gently. I had only held my brother a handful of times in the past year. I honestly tried to avoid it as much as possible. I meant to pretend that he didn't exist. None of the other lords really cared that father had Emiko and Inu-yasha as his own family. What he did for fun didn't matter to them, since he already had me for an heir. But I wasn't suppose to get attached to my half brother. He was a weakness.

I was surprised at how warm Inu-yasha felt. It wasn't a feverous warmth, just like the tingling warmth that you felt coming inside after you'd been out in the cold a long time.

"What's going on? Inu-yasha?" Emiko rushed over to me. I let her take Inu-yasha from my arms. She kissed him lightly on the forehead.

"What happened?" She asked, looking up at me.

I envied my little brother right then. His mother loved him so much. He was a hanyou, a half-breed that no one could figure out, but she loved him more that my mother had loved me.

"The lights." I answered rather stupidly. "The gold and silver ones like the ones from..." I trailed off, realizing I was dangerously close to exposing that which my father had entrusted me to keep secret.

"Yes, from last year. I understand. Go on."

"They were..attacking... him."

"Attacking?"

"They were both swirling around Inu-yasha and he went stiff and fell over."

Emiko looked scared. She was holding Inu-yasha so tightly I was sure he was going to have bruises in a few minutes. I got up and went to go find father. I meant to say something comforting to Emiko, but I couldn't think of anything.

I was scared too.

* * *

None of us could figure out what had happened. Father had some theory about his holy powers fighting with his youki, it was just guesses though. But then a month went by and Inu-yasha stared talking and everyone just seemed to decide to ignore it. After all, hearing Inu-yasha say "gimme" a million times in a row was much more entertaining. Of course, that wasn't all he could say. Inu-yasha seemed to have completely skipped baby talk to go straight to full words. His form of communication before that was yelling, so we were all quite thankful for this development. He could say "mother" "father" "Nana" "Gimme" "yes" "no" a few other assorted words and, to my shock, "nii-san."

Nobody said it to him. He never heard the word before. Neither Emiko nor father referred to me like that in front of him or otherwise. So how had he heard the word and how did he connect it to me?

The second attack came on the morning after the new moon. Those nights, Emiko wouldn't sleep at all. She was afraid, as father was of someone, anyone, finding out when Inu-  
yasha was vulnerable. Father tried staying up, but he always ended up with his head in Emiko's lap.

That was the morning that I had to take Inu-yasha from father and Emiko to Nana. It was routine by now. I went to Inu-yasha's room and I was waiting outside. I heard Emiko yawn. "Please come in Sesshomaru."

I slid open the door. Emiko was sitting on the floor, slightly drowsy from her long night. She smiled at me, and then at her son who had by now regained his youkai blood. Inu-yasha mumbled something softly and blinked open his eyes. Then it happened again.

"Inu-yasha?" Emiko asked, and was then thrown back several feet into the wall as the gold and silver lights started streaming out of her son once more. This caused father to wake. And the three of us watched as Inu-yasha went through spasms looking like he was trying to fight off the lights. Emiko tried to go to him, but father held her back.

Then it all stopped. Inu-yasha was laying eerily still on the floor, his eyes were wide open. He was laying facing towards me, so I could see even though Emiko and father couldn't. Inu-yasha was crying. Silent tears fell from golden eyes filled with sadness and pain and confusion.

Emiko and father went over to him. Emiko held him close to her. Father turned to me.

"This is what happened on his first birthday?"

He asked. I nodded. I didn't trust myself to speak. Even thought I could no longer see my half-brother's face, much less his eyes, they were still there, a haunting image of tormented innocence.

* * *

By Inu-yasha's second birthday attacks were happening once a day. There was a procession of monks, priestesses, shamans, and wise women who came trying to figure out what was wrong with Inu-yasha and moreover, how to fix it. Father's original theory was soon proved correct. Inu-yasha had inherited both youki and holy powers. But neither of them were fading. Instead, they were tearing him apart. In short, my baby brother was dying.

Emiko and father were desolate. They both knew that had he been born to either one of them he would have been whole. The son of Princess Emiko, grand-nephew of the emperor and descendent of the priestess Midoriko, or the second son of the taiyoukai Inutaisho, descendent of the great white wolves and prince of the western lands. Inu-yasha could have been either. Instead he was both.

Inu-yasha entered the second year of his life frail, weak, and dying. Emiko kind of snapped. She just couldn't take the fact that her son would die, and she blamed herself for it. She shut herself up with Inu-yasha and wouldn't let anyone in. Even father. We could all hear her though, praying to the gods to save Inu-yasha.

I hoped that the would hear her and take pity on her tears, because they had no pity for mine.

* * *

No one told me what happened. I had to ask father. Emiko had emerged from the room smiling and Inu-yasha hadn't had an attack since. Something had happened, and I wanted to know what.

"Father?"

"Yes?"

"Is Inu-yasha all right now?"

"Yes, he'll be fine."

"What happened?"

"His holy powers were sealed."

I stared blankly back at my father.

"Inu-yasha is too young. His body can't handle both the holy powers and the youki he inherited. So his holy powers were sealed away."

"How-?"

Father smiled. "Be thankful for miracles my son. Don't question them."

He laid a hand on my head like he had when I was a kid and left.

* * *

I still didn't completely understand what had happened to my baby half-brother. But I soon stopped caring exactly what had happened. Inu-yasha quickly turned from a sickly baby to a terror of a toddler. Terrible two's didn't even begin to describe it. His vocabulary was expanding, not helped by the serving girls who adored him. Father just about fainted the first time he heard his 'innocent' two year old son swear, but Emiko just laughed. Inu-yasha also started to develop several quirks. Including running and hiding when it was time for his bath, hanging around the kitchen for extra sweets and tackling people in the hallways, myself included.

"'Nii-san!" Inu-yasha tugged on my hair from his place around my food. The little brat had decided he like hitching a ride better that walking, and not being able to shake him off, I was left to walk around in a most undignified manner with my half brother attached to my leg.

"What is it Inu-yasha?" I gritted my teeth as I spoke. Inu-yasha responded by giggling.

"Haha-ue got me a new story. Will you read it to me?"

That was Inu-yasha's most unusual personality quirk. He loved being read to more that anything else. It was the one time he would sit still and be quiet. And Inu-yasha didn't just like fairy tales. Oh no, he was far more versatile than that. Once we had all gone on a trip and we had expected to be back by nightfall and it hadn't happened. So we're stranded, camping, and without a story for Inu-yasha. He adamantly refused to sleep until he was read to. And he knew the difference between someone making up a story and someone reading one. How I'll probably never know. So finally father gives up and starts reading a letter from one of his generals that he just got about a small rebellion in the neighboring lord's province. It was dry, dull, boring, and overly formal. But it made Inu-yasha happy.

"Fine. I'll read it to you if you _get off._"

Inu-yasha giggled, but complied, knowing I wouldn't lie to him. He stood up, barely reaching my knee.

"Come on 'nii-san!" He jumped up, grabbed my hand and pulled.

"Alright." I followed him to the garden, where we would hide up in a tree and read until Emiko found us. Well, found Inu-yasha. I always managed to get out ahead of time. I couldn't let anyone see me being nice to my half brother (much less up a tree). Because he was a weakness.

My weakness.

* * *

Inu-yasha turned three with enough energy to plow all of Japan. That was went father had him start his swordsmanship lessons. Originally, Emiko had wanted to wait one more year, but by the time his birthday rolled around, she was all for it.

Since father wasn't around much a wolf youkai named Gouki taught the both of us. Gouki was an old war hero who had given up his allegiance to the wolf clans he was born to in order to serve father and teach Inu-yasha and me. He was demanding, but he knew a lot about swordsmanship.

Emiko and Nana watched Inu-yasha's first few lessons and cheered him on. But after that...

"No no! You're doing it all wrong!"

Gouki pushed Inu-yasha to the ground. I mentally winced at the thump he made.

"You'll fall over every time with that stance, and don't get me started on your grip! Even a baby could take that sword away from you."

As he said this he reached for the wooden practice sword Inu-yasha was training with. He tried to pull it away from him, but Inu-yasha wouldn't let go. He pulled harder, lifting Inu-yasha off the ground, but still Inu-yasha wouldn't let go of the sword. A hard glint came to his eyes, he didn't like being defied.

He swung the sword. Inu-yasha lost his grip and hit the wall. There was a sound like bones breaking and Inu-yasha fell to the ground. I stopped moving and looked between Gouki and my half-brother.

"Don't." Gouki growled. "Don't even think about it."

Inu-yasha slowly got up. He didn't look at either of us. He picked up his wooden sword that had been tossed aside by Gouki, then looked up at him, taking a ready stance.

Gouki growled. He unsheathed his own sword and swung and Inu-yasha, slicking the wooden sword he held in two.

"That's enough. You lesson is over." Gouki had murder in his eyes. Inu-yasha bowed as he did at the end of every lesson and left.

"What are you doing?" Gouki snapped at me. "Get back to your practicing."

After my lesson I saw Inu-yasha out practicing with a stick near the woods. He was doing what Gouki had taught him and trying to imitate some of the things that he had seen me do. I mean to offer to help him, to teach him. And I meant to tell father and Emiko what Gouki had done to him. Inu-yasha never did. Emiko had asked him about the broken rib he had, but he had just smiled and said that he had fallen out of a tree. But I think she knew. Father not only dismissed Gouki a few days later, he banished him from the western lands. A new teacher was hired for me, but Inu-yasha was taught by Father from there on out.

I can't say I wasn't jealous. Father had never taken time like that to teach me when I was young. But I knew why he was doing it. Because no other teacher would overlook Inu-yasha's human blood. And more than that, because I hadn't offered to teach him. The way I knew I was disappointing him made me sick to my stomach, but the looks from the other lords made me keep my silence.

And time marched on.

* * *

"Onii-san?"

"Yes Inu-yasha?"

"Will things always be the same?"

"What do you mean 'always be the same'?"

"I mean are we always going to live here? And are we always going to be together? You and me and Nana and Haha-ue and Chichi-ue? Will we?"

"I'd like to think so otouto."

"But do you_ know_?"

"Nobody really _knows_. All we can really do is hope."


End file.
